uhreeelicious

I am afraid that I might be going through what they say "depression"

This all started in the first quarter of the year, right before this crazy pandemic popped out. At first, I cut off all of my Social Media accounts. Days and months have passed, I kept silent for the longest time, to search for myself, I am in denial that I am going through something that I don't really know. I the actually don't know why am I going through all of these, because as everyone knows I am a happy person and always look at brightside even how bad the situation is. And then I started asking myself, "is this super late quarter life crisis, or shall I say early mid life crisis?" That feeling that you don't know what you want to dowhen all you know is you are happy where you are the way you wanted things to be. I thought before that this kind of feeling is just "Arte" of the artistas and rich kids out there, but no, it can happen to everyone pala.

And then quarantine season made it worst, I think fighting for this feelings is kinda hard, when you don't want your family to know what you're going through, acting everyday that you're doing good and happy even you're burning inside; waking up  in the morning, when you don't know what purpose do you have as days gone by, yes you have your daily routine, work and household chores, and yet, you still feel worthless. When you want to talk but you reallydon't know what to say because you, yourself doesn't know what the eff is going on. Going to bed, thinking, same day, as yesterday. Ugh! Super redundant  

I'm not the type of person who rants about what I feel, I'm not the type of person who cries in public, also I'm not the type of person who shares problems even how heavy it is. All I know is I'm the type of personwho can carry a smile with a heavy heart.

Almost 7 months have passed, and yes I am coping up by doing new and old hobbies that makes me forget for quite awhile. I'm really trying hard to patch things up to bring back that kulit, happy person who sings her heart out even when she knows she's out of tune. But at the end of the day, this sh*t eats me out. When I get easily annoyed with the noise that surrounds me. When I find myself crying in a Comedy Show, when I am waking up crying in the middle of the night. When I noticed myself catching some breath because I can't feel air, that there's something blocking my throat. When I feel my heart is gonna burst out of pain that I don't know why is it so painful.

I hate this feeling, really. Or maybe, just maybe, I miss my 3am best friend which I know I can never talk to anymore. (Is there a hotline to heaven? That I can also hear him? Hehe)

Yes, some friends noticed my silence, and they are trying to check me from time to time, but I know I am the only one who can help myself and I also believe that God is letting me get through this pain to make me brave.

I.JUST.DONT.REALLY.UNDERSTAND.